Before I start, I want to acknowledge someone who inspired this piece: my friend P. Her courage, her honesty, and the way she has recently navigated difficult experiences with professionals reminded me that so many Autistic mothers carry similar stories long after their children are grown.
When I reflect on my work supporting Autistic mothers, I notice a constant duality within me. My desire for justice and fairness drives me to act: to investigate, research, challenge systems, speak up, and advocate fiercely for mothers who have been misunderstood or blamed. At the same time, I am deeply pulled towards offering support without judgment, holding compassion for their experiences, and simply wishing to be of some help.
Many of the women I know, the Autistic mothers who raised their children around the same time I was raising my boys, still carry the invisible marks of those years. Even now, when our children are grown, the smallest interaction with a professional can bring back that tightness in the chest, that old fear that somehow we’ll be misunderstood again.
And it’s not in your head.
It’s real.
It’s not okay that this happened to you.
Even when your children are grown and out in the world, the weight of what you endured as a mother navigating systemic discrimination doesn’t always lift. For many Autistic mothers, the experiences of scrutiny, misunderstanding and fear from social services or professionals linger like shadows. The hypervigilance that kept you safe then can stay embedded in your nervous system long after your kids no longer need your constant protection.
You may notice it in small ways: your shoulders tense when a colleague questions you, a wave of anxiety when you hear criticism or sleepless nights thinking over past decisions. These are not signs of weakness. They are the body and mind responding to trauma, the kind that accumulates when you’ve lived under constant evaluation and, in some cases, false allegations.
Research shows that over 20% of mothers of Autistic children reported having at least one child assessed by social services for being at risk of harm, and many felt they did not fully understand the legal implications of these meetings. Allegations, even unfounded, leave traces. About 22% of diagnosed Autistic mothers reported experiencing inaccurate claims along with self-identified and non-autistic mothers. Free-text responses highlight the emotional weight of this:
“They were potentially heading towards a MSBP/FII case, accusing me in the professional network of inventing or exaggerating my children’s school difficulties.”
“Making him autistic as reflecting own problems/autism onto him.”
“My child didn’t have additional needs… I overmedicated my child and then was accused of under-medicating.”
These experiences are more than stressors and they can create PTSD-like responses that continue decades later. Your nervous system remembers the tension, the vigilance, the feeling of needing to anticipate criticism before it even arrives.
Day-to-Day Healing — What It Really Looks Like
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting or pretending it didn’t happen. It means gently teaching your body that it’s safe again. NLP and autistic insights offer practical tools:
1. Notice the moment your body reacts.
Your heart races, your hands tighten, or you go blank. That’s your nervous system saying, “This feels like before.” Pause, breathe, and acknowledge it: “Thank you, body — you’re trying to protect me.”
2. Separate the past from the present.
Ask yourself: “Am I reacting to what’s happening now, or what happened then?” This helps the brain locate time, a core NLP technique for reducing trauma triggers.
3. Anchor yourself.
Find a physical cue that signals safety — pressing your hand to your heart, holding a pendant, or focusing on your feet on the ground. With repetition, it becomes a neural anchor that signals calm.
4. Reframe your self-talk.
Instead of, “They’re judging me,” try: “My body remembers judgment — but this moment is new and safe.” Small language shifts help rebuild self-trust.
5. Speak to yourself with warmth.
You’ve been through enough. Use gentle, affirming language like you would for a frightened child or a dear friend. Autistic mothers often feel deeply, and compassionate self-talk is a critical step in healing.
6. Celebrate micro-victories.
Even small moments count: sending an email calmly, holding your composure in a meeting, noticing your body relax. Each tiny win rebuilds confidence and competence over time.
Healing is a daily practice
Rebuilding confidence and competence doesn’t happen overnight. Some days feel like progress, others like setbacks. That’s okay. Healing is not a linear path and it’s a gentle reclaiming of yourself.
Notice your body: when it relaxes, when your heart slows, when your breath deepens. These are signals that the old patterns of hypervigilance are loosening their grip. NLP exercises like reframing internal dialogue, creating safety anchors, and practicing micro-intentions (“I choose to trust myself today”) help solidify this new sense of safety.
You are reclaiming your life
Even years after the stress, the accusations, or the fear of being misjudged, you can rebuild trust in your own competence. Your body can learn to feel safe again. Your mind can learn to trust its own wisdom. Healing is not forgetting and it is about integrating the past into a stronger, more resilient self.
You are not broken. You are reclaiming courage. And every small step toward self-trust is a victory.
Reflective questions:
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Which patterns of hyper vigilance still show up in your life, and how do they feel in your body?
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What daily micro-intention could remind you that you are capable and competent?
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How can you acknowledge past trauma while also recognising your current strengths?
About the author:
Monique writes about resilience, motherhood, and healing through an Autistic and NLP lens.
References
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Crockford, S.K., et al. Mothers of Autistic Children: A Study of Their Experiences with Child-Protection Social Services and Allegations of Fabricated or Induced Illness. medRxiv preprint, 2025. https://doi.org/10.1101/2025.10.13.25337881
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Pohl, A., et al. A Comparative Study of Autistic and Non-Autistic Women’s Experience of Motherhood. Molecular Autism, 2020.