When I wrote “What This Autistic Mother Wishes Social Workers Understood” that The Mighty republished, and the Irish Association of Social Workers also placed on their website, it was a plea from the heart to see us, hear us, and work with us rather than on us. Over the years, research has started to back up what Autistic mothers have been saying for decades: the systems designed to protect can sometimes harm, and the best outcomes come when professionals recognise partnership, not pathology.
The Reality Behind the Fear
Many Autistic mothers live in constant anxiety about being misunderstood or judged unfit. That fear isn’t irrational and it’s grounded in evidence.
A 2025 preprint study titled “Mothers of autistic children: a study of their experiences with child-protection social services, and allegations of fabricated or induced illness” found that over 20% of mothers of an Autistic child (mother Autistic or not) had been assessed by social services for potential harm. The research also revealed that Autistic mothers were more likely to report fear, mistrust, and trauma when interacting with child protection systems and particularly when professionals misinterpreted Autistic traits as signs of risk.
This isn’t about “bad professionals” it’s about a systemic misunderstanding of difference.
Many of us communicate, process, and express emotion differently. We may appear blunt, anxious, or detached when in fact we are overloaded trying to regulate ourselves while absorbing complex, emotionally charged information.
So, when you meet an Autistic mother, remember:
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The stress you see might be trauma, not hostility.
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The silence might be processing, not indifference.
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The “control” you sense might be protection, not defiance.
Understanding Through a Research Lens
The comparative study “A comparative study of autistic and non-autistic women’s experience of motherhood” offers vital insight here. Autistic mothers reported significantly more difficulty communicating effectively with professionals, and often felt dismissed or misunderstood when raising concerns about their children.
They described feeling that their words carried less weight, that professionals sometimes talked about them rather than with them, and that advocacy on behalf of their child was sometimes perceived as “overreacting.”
The study reinforces something crucial:
Communication barriers are not evidence of incompetence.
They are signals that systems must adapt to different communication styles and not the other way around.
Professionals who recognise this can turn potentially adversarial relationships into collaborative ones.
The Hidden Layers of Communication
In my The Mighty article, I wrote:
“You may interpret her communication as obstructive … She is doing her best.” The Mighty
What I want to emphasise here is how different communication can look when you’re Autistic, especially in a stressful professional meeting.
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A mother might be silent, appear disengaged, or not make the “normal” eye-contact or social niceties. But what that often means is she’s overloaded where every sense is firing and she’s using her mental energy to just stay present.
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When I said you may think she’s aggressive because of her tone or voice, it’s because when the brain goes into “fight/flight/freeze” mode (especially if she’s under stress or at risk), the regulatory systems go offline. That doesn’t mean “bad parent” it means “needing support”.
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You might think she’s “uninterested” when she doesn’t ask lots of questions or doesn’t nod and smile in the usual way but in fact she’s listening, processing, and maybe shutting down the extras so she can just cope.
What this means for practice:
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Put aside quick judgements about tone, body language, seeming “disengagement.”
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Ask: How is this person experiencing this meeting?
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Create space to pause: “How comfortable are you right now?” “Do you need a break, a drink, a moment outside?”
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Invite alternative modes of communication: “Would you prefer to respond in writing?” “Would it help to take this one step at a time?”
The Sensory & Processing Environment Matters
I said:
“Do give her any paperwork at least three days before a meeting. … Do make sure meeting rooms are comfortable and sensory-friendly.” The Mighty
Let’s unpack the “why” behind this:
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For many Autistic mothers, the combination of sensory load (noise, light, smells, people) + executive load(uncertainty, system navigation) = high risk of burnout, shutdown or meltdown.
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If you send paperwork at the last minute, expect her to crack a few days before, trying to make sense of it all. That’s a hidden burden.
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Meeting rooms often assume “one size fits all” and they don’t account for being behind someone (makes you feel vulnerable), or having a room with no natural light, or using heavy jargon, or surprise agenda changes.
What this means for practice:
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Send documents clearly and in “plain English”, well ahead of time. Consider audio/visual formats if helpful.
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Choose meeting locations with natural light, minimal visual distractions, stable seating where the parent knows who’s in the room and what the flow is.
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Start every meeting with an agenda: “Here’s what we’re going to talk about, roughly how long, and after this you’ll get X, Y, Z.”
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Ask: “Would it help if we had someone you trust here with you?” “Would you like a recap in writing after this meeting?”
Valuing the Parent’s Unique Expertise & Perspective
In the letter I wrote:
“You may think she is overly controlling … She may not know the hierarchy of the system …” The Mighty
“You may think she has not formed a strong maternal attachment … when she knows her child.” The Mighty
Often professionals assume that because a parent doesn’t “act like” the typical parent (in your training, bias, or expectations), then something is wrong. I want you to understand:
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Autistic mothers often know their child’s sensory world, meltdown triggers, and calm-down strategies in extraordinary detail. They may engage in deep research, ask many questions and that isn’t defiance; it often is advocacy.
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When a parent seems “controlling,” it may be because she’s trying to reduce variables for her child: to predict, to guard, to protect. That’s not pathological it’s strategic and caring.
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Attachment may look different. A mother may step back to allow her child to self-regulate, or give space, or shut down inputs when her child is overloaded and this might be misread as “detachment” or “lack of love,” but in fact it may be deeply attuned care.
What this means for practice:
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Reframe your internal question: “What is this parent doing?” rather than “What is wrong with this parent?”
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Ask: “What are you observing in your child?” “How do you see things from your perspective?” “What needs to change to make this easier for you both?”
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Recognise the parent as a collaborator, not just an implementer. That means they have valuable information, ideas and strategies that you may not have considered.
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If you’re writing reports, reflect the parent’s observations and preferred strategies. Acknowledge their knowledge, even if it differs from your own.
Systemic Barriers & the Need for Transparency
I observed:
“You may think she will not accept help offered … because she has not been told the processes … The uncertainty … can be overwhelming.” The Mighty
Beyond the interpersonal, the system often fails both the Autistic mother and her child:
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The hierarchy of services, the obscure roles of different professionals, the lack of clarity around decision-makers are all hugely stressful.
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When a mother doesn’t know who can help, how, when, what’s expected of her, the default might be avoidance (because overload) or crisis (because overwhelm).
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When the system misunderstands autism (especially female presentations, internalising forms) then the mother is twice challenged: by her own brain and by the system expecting her to “fit in”.
What this means for practice:
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Be explicit: “Here is the process. Here are the next steps. Here is what you can and cannot influence. Here is who you can talk to if you need help.”
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Provide a visual flowchart or simple document that lays out the stages, roles, timelines.
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Be consistent. If you meet once and say “You’ll hear from us in a week” then make that happen. Uncertainty kills trust.
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Celebrate clarity: stable contact person, clear communication channel, predictable check-ins.
Shifting from “Assessment” to “Partnership”
The heart of my message is that we move from “We assess you and decide” to “We stand with you and support you.”
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The culture of child-protection, social-work interventions, etc., often primes professionals to look for deficits, risks, “what could go wrong”. The parent sits opposite you, under suspicion, under pressure.
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As an Autistic mother I know the fear of being “misunderstood,” mis-read, or worse, fear that my child could be removed because the system couldn’t recognise the parent’s difference as style, not deficit.
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So many of us live in fear: of being evaluated as “not enough” because our style is different. The shift has to be: recognising difference, building support, valuing strength, accommodating style.
What this means for practice:
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Lead with what the parent is doing well. Even in the first meeting: “I can see you’ve observed your child’s patterns deeply would you tell me about what you’ve noticed?”
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Use a strengths-based lens: not just “what’s the problem” but “what are you doing already that works?”
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Build in capacity-building: “What would help you meet your own needs as a parent?” “How can we make the process easier for you so you can focus on supporting your child?”
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Dialogue, not monologue: ask for the parent’s agenda, concerns, hopes. Then align your professional agenda withtheirs.
Why This Matters — For Child, Parent, System
When Autistic mothers are misunderstood:
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They may withdraw, mask, misunderstand what’s being asked.
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The system spends more time in crisis, remediation, assessment, rather than partnering and preventive support.
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Rights are at stake: the right of a parent with disability to equal treatment; the right of the child to a loving home and to have their parent supported rather than undermined.
When professionals get it right:
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The mother feels seen, empowered, supported and not judged.
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The child benefits from a calmer, clearer, more collaborative process.
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The system works more efficiently, more humanely.
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We shift from “risk management” to “family flourishing.”
3. The Right to Family Life — for Both Mother and Child
Under Article 23 of the UN Convention on the Rights of Persons with Disabilities (CRPD), people with disabilities have an equal right to marry, found a family, and retain custody of their children. They must not be separated from their children based on disability alone.
Likewise, Article 7 of the CRPD recognises the rights of children with disabilities (including children of disabled parents) to grow up in a family environment that promotes well-being and inclusion.
When Autistic mothers are over-scrutinised or misunderstood, both sets of rights are at risk — the parent’s right to family life and the child’s right to a stable, loving home.
4. What Real Partnership Looks Like
Working with Autistic mothers means shifting from a model of “assessment and correction” to one of partnership and trust.
Here’s what that looks like in practice:
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Presume competence.
Approach each mother as capable, knowledgeable, and invested in her child’s welfare. -
Ask, don’t assume.
Instead of interpreting silence or emotion, ask directly: “How are you experiencing this right now?” -
Communicate clearly.
Use plain, straightforward language. Offer written summaries after meetings. Avoid last-minute changes. -
Provide predictability.
Autistic parents may need clear schedules, known faces, and defined next steps. Predictability is safety. -
Create sensory-safe spaces.
Meetings in noisy, bright, or unpredictable settings can trigger stress and shutdowns. Offer calm, quiet rooms and flexible formats. -
Recognise advocacy as care.
When an autistic mother challenges or questions professionals, it is often an act of love — not opposition.
5. Systemic Change Starts With You
When we, Autistic mothers and professionals, stand side by side we create a culture of trust that supports the whole family.
But trust requires repair. Many mothers carry trauma from past interactions where systems didn’t listen, misunderstood or even punished difference. For some, the child-protection process itself has become a source of post-traumatic stress long after their children are grown.
If you are a social worker, clinician, or educator, know this: your tone, your body language, your clarity all shape how safe we feel. Each meeting can either reinforce fear or build partnership.
Your words can carry the message, “We are here to support your family” or, sadly, “You’re under suspicion.”
Choose the first. Every time.
6. Healing the Divide
The goal isn’t to make professionals perfect but to make systems humane. The Autistic mother you meet may have walked through years of being misread and marginalised. She may be still healing from battles that should never have been fought.
What she needs from you isn’t judgment, it’s respect.
Not pity but partnership.
Not control but collaboration.
Because when you work with her, you’re honouring two human rights at once: the parent’s right to family life, and the child’s right to love, safety, and belonging.
My Final Words to You
If you’ll allow me to be direct: your approach matters. Your tone matters. Your preparation matters. Those seconds before the meeting, the clarity of the email, the light in the room all add up.
For an Autistic mother, everything has an extra weight. Everything gets filtered through her sensory, processing, emotional world. When you meet her there you do more than provide a service. You restore dignity, you affirm capacity, you build trust.
So I ask you:
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Pause your assumptions.
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Ask: How is this parent experiencing this right now?
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Then ask: What can we do with her rather than to her?
Because when you partner with her, you’re not just supporting one parent. You’re supporting a whole system of care between child, family, professional. And that matters.
The Mighty article link – https://themighty.com/topic/autism-spectrum-disorder/letter-to-social-workers-from-a-mother-with-autism/
About the author
Monique is an Autistic researcher, advocate and ,NLP practitioner on the rights and lived experiences of Autistic women. She has represented Autistic parents across five continents and works with professionals to develop inclusive, trauma-informed, and rights-based practice in family and social services.