Over the years, I’ve listened to thousands of Autistic mothers talk about what happens when they try to advocate for their children. And a pattern keeps showing up. Not in the mothers, but in how professionals respond.
In my research with the brilliant team at the Autism Research Centre at Cambridge University, A Comparative Study of Autistic and Non-Autistic Women’s Experience of Motherhood, we looked closely at how mothers (both Autistic and non-autistic) communicate with professionals like teachers, clinicians, social workers and paediatricians. The results were both clear and confronting.
The numbers tell a story — and it’s not a small one
Autistic mothers reported significantly more difficulty communicating with professionals than non-autistic mothers.
They also experienced much higher anxiety when needing to interact with professionals and nearly half (44%) said this anxiety directly caused communication difficulties.
Autistic mothers were also:
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More likely to feel misunderstood
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More likely to end up in conflict over their child with professionals
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Less sure what personal details to share with professionals
Here’s the part that really stands out:
Even though 70% of Autistic mothers said they can communicate well with professionals, 60% of those same mothers also said they experience such high anxiety that they can’t think clearly during interactions.
That’s not a contradiction — that’s what happens when skill meets fear of being misunderstood.
The quiet fear behind disclosure
When we asked Autistic mothers about disclosing their autism to professionals, something else emerged. A kind of social tightrope.
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Even mothers with a clinical diagnosis disclosed “sometimes,” “rarely,” or “never.”
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Over 80% worried that once they disclosed, the professional’s attitude towards them would change.
And many mothers, regardless of whether they were formally diagnosed or self-identified, said they had experienced disbelief when they did disclose.
Imagine walking into a meeting to advocate for your child, already anxious, and then having to decide whether revealing your autism might cause you to be dismissed, disbelieved, or quietly judged.
That’s not empowerment. That’s survival.
From an NLP lens: what’s really happening in those moments
From an NLP perspective, these interactions are about state and power.
When a mother anticipates judgement or disbelief, her body prepares for threat. Her breathing changes, her focus narrows, and her language patterns shift. Professionals might then interpret that shift — the hesitations, the detail, the guardedness — as anxiety, defensiveness, or even guilt.
But what’s really happening is a trauma-informed state response: the body remembering what happens when trust is broken.
Professionals often don’t see that the mother is using every internal resource to stay calm, coherent, and polite while her system is flooded with adrenaline.
If you’ve been blamed or disbelieved before, your unconscious mind builds that pattern as protection. It’s not just “nerves” it’s a learnt map for safety.
The disempowerment loop
Here’s how the pattern repeats:
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The Autistic mother tries to communicate clearly and often gives detailed information.
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The professional interprets it as over-controlling or defensive.
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The mother senses the shift, feels dismissed and either shuts down or over-explains.
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The professional sees more “difficult” behaviour confirming their bias.
It’s a self-reinforcing cycle and the professional’s response becomes the trigger that deepens the mother’s anxiety.
Breaking the cycle: small NLP shifts that rebuild power
For Autistic mothers:
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Anchor calm before the meeting. One deep breath and a sensory anchor (like holding a familiar texture) helps regulate your state before speaking.
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Use short, factual language. Think of it as “headline first, details later.” This helps professionals track your message clearly.
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Rehearse power phrases. Phrases like:
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“I’ll respond to that in writing.”
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“That decision will need to be in line with the education plan.”
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“I’d like to have a support person join our next meeting.”
Each statement reclaims equality in communication.
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Document everything. Facts protect your boundaries when emotions are high.
For professionals:
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Assume competence. The mother’s knowledge of her child is data not defiance.
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Normalise adjustments. Offer written notes, quiet meeting spaces and time to process.
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Respond to disclosure with curiosity, not concern. The question isn’t “How does autism affect your parenting?”but “How can I adapt my communication to work best with you?”
A personal reflection
In our research, both Autistic and non-autistic mothers were fighting for the same thing — to be heard. But Autistic mothers faced an additional layer of stigma, one that silenced or punished difference.
The tragedy is that these conflicts are avoidable. With empathy, language awareness, and simple adjustments, communication can transform from confrontation to collaboration.
The data makes it clear. Autistic mothers aren’t struggling because they’re incapable. They’re struggling because the systems meant to support them aren’t designed to listen.
If you’re reading this as a mother:
You are not the problem.
Your voice matters and it deserves to be heard clearly, calmly and without fear.
Reflective Questions
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How do you feel in your body before and after interacting with professionals?
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What small adjustment could help you feel more grounded in those moments?
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If you’re a professional, what could you do differently to invite safety into the room?
Research Link – https://molecularautism.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13229-019-0304-2
About the Author
Monique is an autistic researcher, advocate, and NLP practitioner whose work explores autism and motherhood. Her research highlights how professional systems often misunderstand Autistic communication, and she’s passionate about helping Autistic women and professionals build trust and understanding through empathy and practical change.